Selected sex stories (Number 1)

I have from time to time had some funny sex.

This is the first recollection.

When I was still living at home with my folks I worked at the local pub behind the bar. One of the bar girls there was a ginger overweight thing. We went drinking after a shift one night at the local night club. We drank and danced, danced and drank until the club kicked out.

I then did the decent thing and walked her home. [Well, the decent thing would’ve been to kill her and bury her in a shallow grave, but, ya’know, wisdom only comes with age.]

We arrived at her front door and she turned and said to me that she had fancied me for ages and would I like to come in? Now bear in mind these facts; 1) I was drunk and 2) I have a dick.

I went in.

In my drink addled mind I still knew she was a minger, but I didn’t care. I have no shame. So we started to kiss, which quickly lead to her dropping to her knees and to start blowing me. [The one thing that girls not so blessed in the looks department have is an eagerness to please. Good girl]

So she goes on with this for a bit and then we start to fuck. We do this in many varied positions, all of which require zero effort from me as I’m way too shit faced to be putting any effort in.

We move to the sofa with me just sat there and the ginger unit on top of me going for it like it’s an Olympic event.

I then have, for no reason, a moment of sudden clarity and sobriety. This then stops as fast as it started and I’m drunk again.

I then start to cry. A lot.

Ginger unit stops pummelling my dick and looks at me and asks what’s wrong.

I look up at her and I say:

“I just realised that I’m fucking you!”

With my dick still firmly inside the ginger unit, she draws back her fist and punches me REALLY hard in my face causing my nose to open up and blood to piss everywhere. She also screams “Fuck you then” really loudly. So loud in fact that it wakes her mum up, who’s in bed upstairs. She enquires whether everything is alright.

Ginger unit starts to cry now which shakes me out of my shock at having my nose smashed across my face whilst fucking a pig ugly ginger unit and I start to laugh.

I can hear mum moving around upstairs and figure that she’s donning a dressing gown to come downstairs and see why her little girl is crying.

I decide to leave.

I stand up causing ginger unit to fall backwards onto the floor still crying. I half pull up my trousers and wander over to the door and say “I’ll see you at work tomorrow then” and let myself out.

I stand outside for a bit and contemplate what has just happened and I do the only thing I can think of. I call my mate Will and tell him the story whilst walking home.

The next day when ginger unit turned up to work I asked her if she enjoyed her evening. She told me I was a cunt and that she’d never go near me again.

I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do, so out of spite I fucked her again the next weekend. I think the saying; “cutting of your nose to spite your face” could be well used here.

All words by G.